A LONG year

It has been a year since I last wrote.  And what a year!  Anyone who is friends with us on Facebook knows the struggles we have gone through since I last wrote.  I read my last post and laugh at how I thought I had everything under control.

About 2 weeks after I wrote that last post, Avery started waking up a lot more frequently at night.  We assumed it was teething and sure enough two teeth popped through her bottom gums a week before she turned 4 months old.  But her sleeping didn't go back to normal, it got worse.  Eventually she was waking up every 45 minutes ALL.  NIGHT.  LONG.  Which I could deal with if she didn't scream in obvious pain for 30-45minutes every time she woke up.  I was so sleep deprived that I didn't know what to do.  Looking back, I don't know how we managed. We took her back in our room to co-sleep in order to just get by.  We tried everything and nothing worked.  NOTHING.

During this time, her diapers were getting more and more messy.  They got more watery and then she started bleeding every time she pooped.  After a day of that I took her to a walk-in which referred us to CHEO, who said that she had a fissure and that it should heal itself within a week or so.  If it didn't, it was likely a food allergy.  Well, 3 weeks later and she was still bleeding and in pain.  I decided that she was almost 6 months old and if it was a food allergy I needed to do a drastic elimination diet immediately to see if we could figure it out before introducing solids.  So I cut dairy, egg, milk, nuts, soy, and gluten from my diet.  I lost almost 10lbs in the 3 weeks I did.  It's a hard diet!  Tasty, but expensive and hard to be creative with when you're first starting.

After 10 days on the elimination diet, she went from waking every 45 minutes to sleeping a 5 hour stretch!  She hadn't done that in almost 3 months at that point.  Also the bleeding stopped about 5 days into the diet.  I was amazed.  No one told me that food allergies could manifest like that and that babies could react to your breast milk from it.  I decided that since it appeared that the culprit was out of my system that I would try re-introducing foods.  I started with eggs (which I thought was the least likely to be a problem).  I ate two scrambled eggs for breakfast and then nothing else with eggs in it.  Within a day she was screaming in pain again and had a HUGE diaper rash when she pooped, so we knew that eggs were A culprit, if not THE culprit.  Later I found out from my in-laws that all of their children had egg allergies when they were young.  Go figure.  Wish we had known that sooner.

We gradually added everything else back in my diet while staying away from eggs and thankfully nothing else bothered her.  We also got her allergy tested and she is allergic to both egg whites and yolks, quite badly!  They were surprised that she had no external symptoms like eczema or a rash but that it was all internal and gastro-intestinal.  But we had our answer and she began sleeping 1.5 hour stretches regularly and going right back to sleep most of the time.  It was heaven in comparison.

But she still seemed in pain sometimes when she woke up.  She was also still spitting up despite being on solids and having nursed hours earlier, so we went to the doctor and he prescribed Ranitidine for her.  Then she started sleeping 3-4 hour stretches and stopped spitting up and being in pain.  It was amazing.  We were so relieved.  So at the 7 month mark we had finally found the physical issues that were causing her pain and distress.  We moved her back in her own room and felt like things would get better.

Well, they didn't.  We assumed that the habits she picked up while dealing with the pain kept her wanting to nurse constantly at night and not wanting to sleep on her own.  I got pregnant when she was 8 months old (planned) and by the time she was 10 months old I was so exhausted that I could barely make it through the day, even with a 3 hour nap in the afternoon.  So we decided to bite the bullet and try sleep training.  We did the "Sleep-easy solution".  It's a cry-it-out method, which we didn't want to do but felt we had no other choice as nothing had worked.  The first 3 nights and days were horrible.  I will never do it again.  But it worked in that it taught her how to fall asleep on her own.  For that, I'm glad at least.  It also helped us night-wean her in 3 days.  She started sleeping 5 hour stretches followed by 3 or 4 hour stretches and doing naps wonderfully.

BUT my milk supply dwindled because of pregnancy and she was hungry at night and started waking again more frequently.  We started introducing cow's milk mixed with the milk I had managed to pump and store in the freezer after the egg was out of my system, and that worked a bit.  By 11.5 months she was totally off the breast and only drinking straight cow's milk from the bottle.  We managed to wean her from the reflux meds around 13 months as well.

FAST FORWARD to last week.  We tried everything we could to make her happy sleeping in her own room and it just wasn't cutting it.  We tried sleeping on a mattress on the floor, we tried staying with her until she fell asleep, and more.  Nothing worked, AGAIN!  Among my various internet searches I came across one article talking about a "high-needs baby".  I felt that we FINALLY had our answer.  This fit Avery to a T.  It seems that she just needs us.  She just needs to be with us and not on her own in her own room.  So we prayed about it and got the answer confirmed that she needed to come back in our room and sleep with us again.  We brought in her crib, turned it into a toddler bed and attached it side-care style to Jon's side of the bed.  It's only been 5 nights and she's already sleeping a lot better and wakes up more happy and rested, and so do we!  She is still awake about 3 times a night but it's getting better with every passing day.  We finally feel like we are giving her the support she needs rather than trying to follow the "recommended course" and force her to sleep on her own and make everyone miserable in the process.

It's not something I ever wanted to do.  I never wanted to be a co-sleeper/bed-sharing parent.  I never wanted my baby in my room indefinitely.  I wanted privacy and I wanted space.  But that's not what Avery needs and I find that we are all happier meeting HER needs rather than mine.  It's a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.  I know she will grow up and move to her own room eventually, but for now, this is what works for us.

A Word on Sleep Training

Anyone who knows me well knows that I like to research.  Well, when it came to babies I researched a LOT.  I was very keen on getting as much sleep as I could at night with the baby, because naps make me feel groggy and I have worse night sleep when I nap during the day.  I researched and I read everything I could get my hands on.  Most information conflicted and I was confused about what I should do.  However the prevailing "idea" was to do what works best for you and your baby.  

Avery and I started out with room sharing. I slept on a mattress on the floor in her room so Daddy could get good sleep until she got her days and nights worked out.  I discovered that the only way that I could sleep while she slept (as everyone always tells you to do) was if she was either on my chest or cuddled up next to me.  So I dozed in the rocking chair with her on my chest, and when I couldn't stay upright any more, we moved to the mattress on the floor and cuddled with each other.  

I was PARANOID about S.I.D.S. so I didn't sleep very well those early weeks.  From further research, I've discovered that it's actually very safe to bed-share as long as you live in a non-smoking home and you and your partner don't partake of alcohol or drugs (illegal or prescription) that would interfere with natural sleep cycles.  The skin-to-skin contact with your baby helps regulate their temperature (overheating being a S.I.D.S. risk factor), and they can hear and feel your heartbeat and breathing.  If they wake up or start to move in their sleep, you can respond to them right away and they don't have to wake up fully to nurse, and neither do you!  

After about a month, I decided to move back into our bedroom with her room-sharing with me.  I put her in on her back in the crib beside the bed so that she was close, but not in the bed with both of us.  She started out not doing well.  She would fuss and every time I put her back in there after nursing in the night, she would wake up and cry until she was back in my arms.  I decided to try swaddling, and that worked well.  She slept her first 12 hour night (with food breaks every 2-3 hours) at 5.5 weeks.  But after about a week of swaddling, she was back to crying whenever I put her down.  This kid loves her freedom!  

I got super frustrated because when she slept on her back, she would startle herself awake during her active sleep cycles and then wouldn't go back to sleep and would cry.  It got so frustrating!  So I started putting her to sleep on her tummy.  It was another S.I.D.S. risk factor (something about re-breathing exhaled air and not getting enough oxygen) so I was worried, but I didn't know what else to do.  I made sure either Jon or I was awake while she slept like that so that we could check on her, make sure she was breathing and happy, and it worked quite well.  I think it was around that point when I decided to co-sleep for real.  When we were awake and she was asleep, she would sleep on her tummy in the crib at the foot of the bed (I moved it a little further away when she started sleeping at night) and then when I was ready to sleep (or when Jon, our night owl was ready to sleep) she would come in the bed with us.  This worked well for a long time.  

I'm an advocate of babies sleeping on their own, however.  I love the closeness we have when we co-sleep, but I want Avery to be able to sleep on her own, in her own room and feel secure and safe just like when she's sleeping with me.  So from the beginning I tried to have her sleep at least one nap a day in her big crib in her own room.  And now at 3 months, she's sleeping at night in her own room as well.  I made sure her room is sleep-friendly (i.e. blackout curtains, nightlight, and white noise machine) so whenever I go in there with her and turn the lights off and the white noise machine on, she knows it's time to sleep.  I put her down while she's sleepy but awake and let her fall asleep on her own.  I let her sleep with a soother (which is actually helpful in the fight against S.I.D.S.) so she can suck to soothe herself.  

It was a long road, but we finally figured out what's best for all of us.  I respond to her cries immediately, so when she sleeps alone, she knows I'll come when she cries.  And she still sleeps at least one stretch of the night in bed with us.  So she feels secure, I feel secure, and we get some good sleep with dozy nursing and cuddles.  I think it's funny that I agree so strongly with both sleep-training camps, and have found a nice balance for us.  My baby is a huge cuddler, but we've managed to give her independence by giving her security and love when she wants/needs it.  Overall, it has been a big success!  I hope our other kids acclimate this quickly!

Four Weeks

My little Avery is 4 weeks old today!  Hard to imagine it's already been that long.  But at the same time it feels like forever.  Breastfeeding was really bad at the beginning but I'm glad we stuck with it.  Basically the people who tell you it's never supposed to hurt are full of crap.  Unless you're used to having someone suctioned to your nipples 8-12 times a day for 5-40 minutes each time, you're going to have pain!  I got blisters, which popped, then bled, scabbed over, and bled again.  Then eventually it stopped hurting for the most part.  But it took about 12 days for me.  It was so bad around day 5 that I dreaded every time Avery was hungry.  I got plugged ducts like crazy in the first few days after my milk came in, and even got a plugged nipple.  Jon had to give me a blessing and I had to take tylenol and let Avery try and nurse on that side to fix it.  It took a few hours but it finally unplugged and felt much better.  But yes, nursing is a struggle in the beginning!  I'm just lucky that Avery had a great latch right off the bat so I didn't have to deal with that too.

But for all the pain and craziness at the beginning, it's pretty great now.  It's still annoying when I manage to leak through nursing pads and 3 layers of clothing without noticing, but I can deal with that.  It's a great time to bond with Avery and I actually really like it.  I love how she flexes her fingers and toes while she's eating and rests her top hand on whichever breast she's feeding on.  It's a very intimate and cuddly thing and I love it.  I also love knowing that my body can provide her with everything she needs, and all I have to do is keep eating and drinking.  So amazing!

Sleeping on my chest

By this point Avery is most likely weighing in around 10lbs.  We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we'll find out the official number, but according to our crappy home scale that's about right.  She's super long and keeps growing like crazy.  Some of the 3 month sleepers don't even fit her any more.  Others would fit her, if her feet weren't so dang huge that they don't fit in the sleeper feet!  The 0-3 month onesies are too short in the crotch but she's swimming in the larger sizes.  Yay for tall babies.  I hope she'll grow up to be a supermodel haha.

Sucking her thumb!

She's been a pretty great baby for the most part.  She sleeps well and through lots of noise.  Avery loves tummy time.  She spent a whole half hour on the jungle play mat by herself just cooing and looking around the other day.  She can already hold her head up a LOT and for quite a long time.  It's something to see.  She even scoots forward a bit too.  I have a feeling she'll be crawling and walking before we know it!

I, however, have felt a bit trapped.  Having a tiny human who can't really communicate or interact much with you but who depends on you for everything is super hard.  When they say newborns eat every 1.5-3 hours, they mean from the start of one feeding to the start of another, meaning that if your feedings last 20-30 minutes you may only get an hour between them.  An hour is not a lot of time to do anything, let alone "sleep while baby is sleeping".  I hate that mantra so much.

Basically my life this past month has been sleeping for maybe 2 hours at a time, nursing constantly, eating and drinking constantly because I'm starving, and trying to comfort a gassy baby.  I was getting worn down and feeling guilty about my resentment that was building towards this tiny human, and so Jon suggested I take a few hours just to myself to get out and do whatever I wanted to do.  His Valentine's day gift to me.  I left him with some pumped milk to feed her if she got hungry, and went out to do a few errands.  It wasn't like I was doing anything super fun, but I love running errands and it's so much easier to do them without a baby in tow.  I felt freer than I had in a long while, and yet I missed her so much.  We're working on keeping my life in balance from now on, so that I don't need to feel trapped.  It'll be better once she's a bit bigger, I'm sure.

In summary, there are things that suck, and things that are amazing, but I wouldn't trade being a mom for the world.  It is the best thing.

Avery's Birth Story

Well it's been 10 days since Avery's arrival into our lives.  Let me give the update on how she got here.

On Saturday the 18th of January, I started having really bad lower back pain.  I just assumed it was because I was up and about cleaning, baking, organizing etc. to keep myself busy, so I thought nothing of it.  Sunday I woke up and still felt pretty awful and the back pain persisted.  I stayed home from church just for a rest and by the evening I started having some timeable contractions.  They ranged from half an hour to 2 hours apart, so I knew it was possibly the start of labour, but that I had a long way to go.

I had a doctor's appointment at 11am on Monday and was still having sporadic contractions.  When they checked me at my appointment they said I was 3cm dilated and sent me home.  I decided to go to my mom's place because she has a jacuzzi and we wouldn't have to fight rush hour traffic if we had to go back in to the hospital that evening.  I took a nap when we got there and by 2pm I was having contractions fairly strong, but manageable.  They ranged from 2 minutes apart to 10 minutes apart and were consistently 45 seconds long.  My OB had told me to wait until I felt them coming every 5 minutes for an hour, so we just waited.

By 5:15 my mom came home and I was in a lot of pain every time I had a contraction.  Every time I tried to go to the washroom I would start a contraction.  By 5:45 I had had 3 consecutive contractions and I had had enough.  I told my mom that I was in enough pain that I thought we should go to the hospital.  So off we went.  By 6:15 I was checked in to pre-admission and introduced to the resident on call that night.  They did an internal exam and asked me "when did your water break?".  I told them I wasn't aware that it had.  "Well, I can feel your baby's hair, so your water is definitely broken".  News to me!  Turns out the tiny gush I felt at one point in the afternoon around 4pm (I thought it was just a bit of incontinence) was my water breaking.  Baby had plugged the outlet so no other gushes were felt after that.

After an hour in pre-admission I was dilated enough for them to admit me into labour and delivery.  They had me hooked up to monitors checking the intensity of my contractions.  It was a scale from 0-100.  My baseline was sitting at about 50 and when I had a contraction, some of them were off the scale above the 100 mark.  It was pretty insane, but really cool to see on the screen.

I had planned on trying to do a natural birth with no drugs, but my contractions were so painful and I started throwing up during them that by 8pm I opted to get an epidural.  The anesthesiologist was so busy that night that he didn't end up showing up until 9:30pm.  Jon held my hands while the doctor tried to place the needle.  He commented on my spine being crooked and he missed the mark the first time he tried.  So he tried in a different spot on my spine instead.  That time it worked and within minutes I was pain free.  It was glorious.  I felt nothing from my breasts down.

Me after my epidural

The relief I felt was soon overcome by sleepiness so I tried to rest while I could.  They gave me oxytocin to speed up the dilation and kept me on IV fluids to keep me hydrated.  It was a bit frustrating not being able to move around and being stuck in bed, but I was able to update the extended family via facebook and email during the whole labour process, so that was pretty cool.

By 3am I was fully dilated, and they discovered that Avery was positioned badly and her head was on an angle in my pelvis and wasn't moving down.  So, they brought in a specialist and turned her.  They had to push her back up into my uterus in order to turn her properly, so that was a very strange feeling.  I was grateful for the epidural then!  They then decided to wait a few hours to let her contract downwards on her own before getting me to push.  They said that by about 6am we would start pushing, so I had a timeline.  I tried to rest some more, but I was getting too excited and scared about what was to come.

I pushed from 6am to 7:08am when Avery was born.  She had the cord wrapped around her neck and if I had taken any longer to get her out she may have been a C section baby, but the doctors were amazing and my L&D nurse was a huge help and encouragement.  I ended up with second degree tearing, since Avery had such broad shoulders that they had to reposition her again on the way out.  They took her away immediately so I didn't even get to see her.  I heard her whimpering so I knew she was alive, but I could only see her legs over at the examining table.  I think at one point I was so upset that I didn't get to see her that they brought her over so I could say hi and see my daughter before they took her away again for further testing.  She was apparently very white, likely from the cord being around her neck, so they just wanted to make sure she was ok.  It was about 15 minutes before I finally got to hold her.

Me holding Avery for the first time

She was beautiful.  I couldn't believe that I had given birth to her.  It all seemed worth it in that moment.  It's been 10 days since then and she has proven to be a wonderful baby.  She barely cries, and is easily comforted.  She loves being held and cuddled, and spends a lot of time sleeping on her daddy's chest while I take naps.  I've healed really well, and within 4 days all my swelling had gone down and I was back out and about.  Even with being sore and tired and healing I have felt better than I have in months.  The elation I feel every time I hold my little girl is indescribable.  She is awesome.

EVICTION NOTICE

My uterus has just put out an eviction notice for baby.  She has about 10 days to get herself vacated from my womb on her own before my OB will do it for her.  I had been having contractions off and on for about 2 weeks now, but still nothing.  Saturday and Sunday were especially difficult and I had LOTS of Braxton Hicks.  So, yesterday, I decided I would take some castor oil in order to help labour happen.  Well, 27 hours and many bathroom trips later, I feel pretty good...but no contractions.  Guess baby isn't ready yet.  I may try again in a few days.  Anything would be better than induction, in my opinion.

On Monday I had my 40 week appointment.  My BP was the lowest it's been thus far at 100/60.  I'm totally relaxed and just ready for her to come already, so that's probably why.  I don't have anxiety, and I'm just bored.  All the baby things I had to do are done.  I even detailed the car last night and installed the car seat.  They offered to strip my membranes on Monday to get labour started, but I said no.  I've heard it can be painful and I hadn't hit my due date yet anyway.  My OB scheduled an ultrasound for Friday morning, just to make sure baby is still doing fine and to make sure we don't have to induce her early.  She's still squirming around in there, so I'm sure she's doing great.

My belly has dropped even more and now looks like I'm a basketball smuggler.  I've been trying to be active and walk around a lot to help my body get ready, but it makes me sleepy.  I've been sleeping about 8-9 hours a night (minus bathroom trips) and 1-2 hours napping during the day.  I had resisted for a long time because I didn't want to throw off my sleep schedule, but many moms have assured me that I should sleep when I feel tired because you never know when labour will start or how long it will be.  One day at a time.  At least I have the assurance that I will meet my baby girl sometime in the next 10 days.  Exciting!

Baby is Comfortable

Just got home from my 39 week appointment.  According to my OB, baby is quite comfortable where she is.  Her heartbeat is between 140-150bpm and she's still head down and facing the right way.  She's still squirmy and I get her bum or her knee poking out on a regular basis.  I occasionally get elbows to my hips too, but not very often.

Everything on my end is good too.  My fundus height is still growing and I'm sitting at 40cm this week.  I finally hit my 20lb mark of weight gain, but everything else is still really good.  My bp this morning was 112/68, so that was fantastic.  The doctor actually said "I'm sure we'll see you at your appointment next week", so she even thinks I'll at least reach my due date (the 15th) or go overdue.

I've finally got the nursery all finished, and I think it looks really good.  I've already been spending time hanging out in there and getting used to the setup.  I made a make-shift bed on the floor in there, since I'm not sure baby will be able to sleep in our room with Jon's snoring (lol) so I will want to be close to her for nursing purposes.

I'm finally starting to get bored with my time off.  I've made a bunch of freezer meals, and cleaned everything, organized everything, and done all the laundry, so there's really not much for me to do during the day.  And I don't like going out because I don't want to go into labour without Jon nearby.  Also, if I go out alone and go into labour, I can't drive myself so I'd be stranded.  It's tricky.

The waiting game is on.  We'll see how it goes!

2 Weeks left! (Hopefully!)

Only two more weeks until my due date!  I am anxiously awaiting this little girl.  Jon and I have been discussing names, but we won't decide on anything until after we meet her in the hospital.

She started dropping into my pelvis around the 19th of December, and it has been an immense relief.  I can breathe better, her feet are out of my ribs so the intercostal muscles are finally healing, and I can eat more.  I definitely feel more pressure in my pelvis and sometimes pain in my pubic bone, but it's mostly not that bad.  However, it has made me start waddling like the uber-pregnant lady I am.  It's hard to walk when you have a baby's head sitting between your legs, let me tell you.

I've had a much harder time sleeping lately, and I'm up every 2 hours in the night to pee.  I've also finally started swelling like crazy.  Just before Christmas it started.  My fingers are like sausages and my ankles are swollen and my legs discoloured and splotchy.  I keep drinking lots of water and it seems to help a bit, but I'm still swollen.  Thankfully there is still no protein in my urine and my blood pressure is still excellent, so no risk for pre-eclampsia.

I'm back to wanting naps during the day, but I try not to give in most of the time, because then I have a harder time sleeping at night.  I should take the naps when I can in the coming weeks though, so I'm properly rested for labour.  I've been stocking up on freezer meals for after baby comes so I don't have to worry about cooking, so that's what's been keeping me busy lately.

I'm also having doctor appointments once a week now, so that keeps me motivated.  I tested positive for group B strep, so I'll need to have an IV during labour.  Other than that, everything is good.  My BP was 122/74 on Monday and everything looks good.  Baby is in the proper position and seems to be happy.  Very strong heart beat.  She's been in the same position now for about a week.  Her bum is on my left side with her feet in the middle of my ribcage and her knees on my right side, so she's on an angle with her head down.  I constantly feel her knee moving back and forth on the one side.  She also keeps pushing her bum outwards and making Braxton-Hicks happen.

I'm pretty tired, lethargic, and not very motivated to do much these days, since being on my feet for more than 10 minutes makes me have contractions, but I'm getting things together and I feel confident that everything will go just fine.  Baby will be here soon!!